Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
About a month ago, we were at a relative’s house and our young children (three daughters, one son) were playing on a small electric ride-on car they had sitting around the house. You know, one of those tot-sized Jeeps that can actually zip around at 5 mph. My in-laws were also there, and as soon as we saw their eyes light up my husband and I specifically asked them not to buy our kids an electric car of their own. The kids already have plenty of toys and we’re not interested in running around supervising the use of an electric car right now—especially at their house, which has a steep drop-off in the yard.
We visit them regularly, but as they’ve told us they don’t feel comfortable being fully in charge of four kids, we supervise while visiting. Two weeks ago my mother-in-law sent a photo of an electric car she had bought for the kids. We were both annoyed. We agreed that my husband would tell them that either they get rid of it, or they are fully responsible for supervising the kids while playing on it, since we had asked them not to purchase one. My MIL said she understood, she had just found it for such a great price and in such great condition at a yard sale that she had to get it…
Last week we brought the kids to their house and the car was sitting out in the driveway, ready for them to use. I went to the backyard with a book and got comfortable in a chair. My husband grabbed a magazine and did the same. His parents spent the next 30 minutes frantically running after the car, keeping the kids from running into trees or the road. (To be clear, my husband and I were actually paying attention the whole time and would’ve stepped in in an emergency.)
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The next day my father-in-law called and told us that his wife had hurt her ankle and he needed to go to the chiropractor for his back. He said it had been too much for them and they can’t watch the kids like that again. My husband said it sounded like they should get rid of the car, then. My father-in-law said the kids had loved it so much, and it wasn’t fair of us to take it away. Right now we’re stuck in a standoff: They won’t get rid of the car, so we’re refusing to bring the kids over there. Are we really so wrong to have set and maintained this boundary?
–No Need to Drive Quite Yet
Dear No Need,
No, you are right. Indeed, I admire your cold-blooded marital unity in managing this situation: I laughed picturing you and your husband reading in lounge chairs while his parents chased your kids all over the yard. In my imagination, you’re wearing matching sunglasses.
There is a certain kind of generous-to-a-fault grandparent who won’t stop buying any toy for a grandchild, no matter how inconvenient the toy—no matter, as you’ve discovered, if the parents have already asked the grandparent not to. (It was such a great price! How could she not buy it?) Such grandparents must be dealt with firmly but lovingly. Remind them how much you appreciate everything they do for your children, but do not budge on this issue. Perhaps they’d like you to handle posting the car on Craigslist and getting a good price for it? There must be another doting grandparent in your area who’d love to take it off their hands—much to their children’s chagrin.
—And
